"Hello, Beautiful"

"This is not just another new moisturizer. Our exceptionally nourishing moisturizer is RareMinerals-enriched to give you back the skin you were born with [which would look pretty weird on a 50 year-old body]. Thanks to its breakthrough electrolyte delivery system [am I the only one thinking of an old vacuum cleaner?], our patent-pending 100% pure RareMinerals Complex [it's always a Complex, isn't it] deeply nourishes [get it? it's nourishing] and hydrates like never before [umm, well, I thought it was new]. Its powerfully restorative and hydrating [get it? it's hydrating!] benefits deliver deep revitalization to dehydrated, stressed skin [Xanax for your outsides].

"Beautifully luminous, baby-soft skin is right around the corner [running like hell in the opposite direction]. Enjoy."

Really. As my old pappy used to say, if the baby skin has left the barn, there ain't no point shuttin' the door.

The one who dies with the most wrinkles wins.